What a (post-surgical) girl wants

So, I’m twelve days post-hysterectomy and having all kinds of fun. ūüôĄūü§Ę‚ėĻÔłŹ

My doctor told me I’d be hospitalized 48 hours.  I said 24.  Working in a hospital means I want to spend as little time there as a patient as humanly possible.  As luck would have it, my doc was easy to please and all it took to get me sprung was a little crop dusting of the hallways and *boom* I got to go home.  Yay me.

I prepared for surgery by cutting out a few small projects I could work on during my recovery. I certainly wasn’t going to waste any time by cleaning the house!  Haha, the joke’s on me because there’s been just enough energy to get from the bed to the recliner and back again.  Sigh.  I so miss Lenny the Featherweight.  

My mom, bless her, sprung me one day and we and our friend, Marilyn, made a trip to Simply Fabrics.  Hallelujah for a change of scenery!

I did get the yellow squares cut out for En Provence.  Isn’t this the most gorgeous fabric?!  And yes, I know it isn’t all yellow, but it just went so well with my other fabrics.  As a side note, I don’t recommend wielding a rotary cutter while on pain killers.  Not my smartest move and, yes, I still have all my digits.


Prior to surgery, I had horrible thoughts of dying and leaving my family behind.  Who’d be around to nag them?  And I made Himself promise and swear to find a woman who was good as gold to the kids.  Not to mention my fabric stash. Can you believe I made arrangements for its dispersal in the event? Yep, I did. Now I’m worried I’ll die of boredom and wind up on an episode of Hoarders.  Welcome to how my mind works.

I’ve done a little handwork.  It’s been ages since I’ve cross stitched.  When did manufacturers start making those charts so stinking small?!

The dachshund and I have become a dynamic duo of sorts.  She’s my mammalian hot water bottle and my midnight TV watching buddy.  


We have a routine, we two.  Daytime viewing is Matlock, Columbo, and Law and Order: Criminal Intent.  Nighttime is Murder, She Wrote and whatever happens to be on the Hallmark movie channel.  All of which are punctuated by those ‘as seen on TV’ commercials.  Not to mention the weight loss ads.  I’ve never been so sick of seeing Marie Osmond and Oprah in my life.  By all means, just eat a damn chip already!!  And then there’s the ‘miracle water’ some TV preacher is hawking.  He looks like a constipated car salesman.  This isn’t your calling, darling; go find something else to do.  I am, however, on the verge of buying the red copper square dance pan and miracle bamboo cushion.  I could sit on my bum while dinner burns to a crisp in my new non-stick pan.  Woohoo!  And don’t get me started on commercials narrated by folks with accents.  I’m all set to buy a lifetime supply of Tena pads just because of the British accent.  Yeah, I’m that easy.  Or drugged.  Sad.

All in all, it’s not been too bad.  Except for the exhaustion and the stomach virus I’ve been hosting for two days.  Yay. ūü§Ę.  Fingers crossed I can actually sit at my machine again sometime soon.  

Happy quilting!

A Word of Thanks…I Think

Dear Similac,

Hahahahahaha, you delightfully quirky folks!  What is there to say other than ‘thank you’ for enrolling me in your Smart Moms program and gifting me with my very own membership card?  Does it come with a coupon for at least one child-free pee for me per week?  Yeah, I thought not.  

Someone in that program has an epically awesome sense of humor, especially at a time like this.  I love people with a sense of humor.  Beats trying to make jovial with folks who believe tree branches are for carting about in their nether regions

I digress.

But seriously, last week’s mailbox offering of aforementioned card and breathless recitation of everything I have to look forward to was plenty for moi.  You see, I’ve been there, done that twice.  Well, I’ve done it more than that, but you know, two kids.  Anyway, the youngest is twelve and I’ve no intention of birthing any more mini-mes.  I have the stretch marks, sagging rack and bladder that cannot/will not make it on a round of errands without visiting at least one public toilet.  I’m good.  Really.

Cue today’s mailbox offering.  Someone, somewhere is laughing.  Hard.  I hope they pee themselves or at least blow soda out their nostrils, because really?!


Next Thursday, I’m finally getting what I’ve always wanted.  No, not Tom Selleck, dammit.

Yes, it’s a hysterectomy!  Score!  I win!  

So you see, I do not need your infant formula.  I don’t want to know about fussy eaters, gas (newsflash: I need help with the husband and the dog on this one), or colic.  I don’t want tips on finding me time, getting plenty of rest, or a cure for cracked nipples.  Seriously, I’m good.

In lieu of formula, please send any and all manner of liquor and chocolates from which I may partake while I’m laid up.  Thank you in advance for this splendiforous act of corporate generosity.

Yours truly,

The Mrs.

Ugh

According to the statistics provided by the ever-helpful WordPress gnomes, my last post was in October.  Hmm…my, where hath the time doth flown? 

I started blogging back when His Awesomeness was a wee-ish tot as an outlet for frustration and angst (and whatever else you’d like to call it) on the parenting front and it morphed into an occasional commentary on life, marriage, and quilting liberally sprinkled with my native tongue, sarcasm.  

Mostly it’s fun.  Who doesn’t like kvetching about offspring, stretchy pants that don’t stretch, and parent teacher conferences where you’d really like to pull a Rhett Butler and ‘frankly, my dear…’ but don’t want to be that mom?

I have a sense of humor:  morbid at times, definitely off color (because vulgar is my second language) and occasionally totally inappropriate for the moment.  So be it.  Or should I say ‘fuck it’?  And yes, I spelled out the entire nasty word.  No asterisks today for you in blog land.

I haven’t felt funny, upbeat or remotely human in ages.

I could point at any number of things, all of which most of us deal with at some point in our lives, so it’s not as though I’m saying I’m special.  I’m just…done.  It feels achingly familiar to the post partum depression I had the pleasure of experiencing after the arrival of the spawn minus the plan to do myself in.  And yes, at that time I gave it serious study.

All in all, things are going swimmingly for The Co-Defendants.  Hurrah!  We are passing with flying colors (grades, not gas…well, both, but gas involves glitter because my little snowflakes are special), getting along (at school, at home not so much) and one of them has even found amor.  So it isn’t them.  I haven’t had to bury a body so you know it isn’t Himself, bless his heart.

It’s me.  I admit to being a Type A personality, as near to anti-social as one can get without garnering the crazy cat lady moniker and not getting in the least that whole human contact thing.  The humor has fled.  I don’t feel funny; I feel angry.  Angry me is unpleasant.  It’s seething and simmering.  Hell, I don’t even like me.  

So if you all will bear with me while I figure it all out, I’ll come back and be kinda-sorta-mostly funny.  And if the f-bomb has run you off, well, I guess I’ll wish you well and you exit stage right.  Watch the last step though…it’s a doozy.

If there’s anything funny about it, just know I’m typing this on the toilet and trying to wrangle a phone and a needy dachshund at the same time.  There’s a visual…and maybe some humor.

Until then, I’m afraid I am one giant stagnant soup of fuck-it-all.

Spring’s Sprung

Better look quick while they’re still alive.  The plants, I mean, not The CoDefendants.  Although given my track record with plant life, it’s a miracle the children are alive and kicking.  And complaining, let’s not forget that.

The Diva and I headed for prey, haha, I mean plants this morning.  She’s inherited a love of them from my mother-in-law, a woman who makes things grow as if by magic.  I’ve descended from a woman who once killed a cactus.  Sigh.  

  
I like hanging plants, mainly because they don’t turn into a haven for fire ants.  Nasty things.  This afternoon I watched a pair of cardinals duck into the hanging impatiens.  Looks like the patio might turn into a hanky panky nest.  Just what I need to go along with a hormonal teenager and preteen.  God give me strength.

I give the plants a month.  Tops.  We chose lemon grass and marigolds to keep the mosquitoes at bay.  At least that’s what I’ve read.  Then again I also believed the story about a white spider hanging out under toilets seats coming out to bite people on the rump.  But considering our mosquitoes are the size of jumbo jets, I’ll try anything.

  
  
For now they’re pretty to look at. Lulu is completely puzzled as she’s never seen anything green on the patio before with the exception of grass trimmings.  She’s recovered nicely from her veterinary adventures, too.

  
Short of finding plants with disclaimers that said ‘Cannot be killed regardless of the ineptness of the grower’, I chose ones that claimed to need little attention and a heckuva lot of sun.  Maybe there’s hope.  The names mean zilch to me: lantana, salvia (reminds me of spit) and whatever the pink things are in the other basket.  Yes, that’s the technical name.  

Maybe I should consider a xeriscape garden instead.

The Great Intimidator 

Move over, Dale, Sr.  I’m coming through!  

Don’t I look intimidating, especially with that mouth full of metal.

Attempting to fix Lennie the Featherweight

Intimidating is not a word that comes to mind when I describe myself.  Let’s face it, I’m a forty-one year old pudgy mom with more than a few gray hairs (the hairdresser, bless her heart, says they’re highlights) crows feet, a bosom that is rapidly heading toward my toes, a potty mouth and a side of sass.  

But I must bear the visage of one mean mutha because intimidating clings to me like a crop-dusted fart.

Case in point: 

The other night I e-mailed The Diva’s teacher about an incident at school (don’t ask) and asked her to call me the next day.  I wanted to say a lot more, but I tend to be blunt (another clinging fart I can’t shake) so I kept it short and sweet.  Hey, I said please! Imagine my surprise when the phone rang about an hour and a half later and it was the teacher.  Hmmm, that’s quick, I thought.  This can’t  possibly turn out well.

She started off by saying she’d prayed for quite some time before returning my call.  

Seriously?  While I’ll admit I may drive some folks, well, Himself anyway, to drink, I don’t think I’ve ever driven anyone to pray before picking up the phone.    Usually it’s me doing the praying when I hear the words ‘Mrs. Bowen?’ on a call from the school.

I think this is something I should work on a bit harder.  If I’m intimidating at my current age and state of physical awesomeness (hahahahahaha), how far up the scariness scale could I get with a few modifications?  Perhaps a facial piercing or spider web neck tattoo….

Good grief.

Inevitabilities and Wal-Martians

People watching: it doesn’t cost a thing, is calorie-free and highly entertaining.  After Tom Selleck and kilts (oooh, a  kilted Tom Selleck!), is there really anything better?

I think not.

Driving to that bastion of dastardly capitalism and questionable clothing options that is Wal-Mart, a fellow driver and I had a run-in with, what I can only call an ‘other’, The Village Idiot.  

He sat astride a rumbling mass of metal, a crotch rocket, (which us car driving dorks are endlessly chastised to watch out for because motorcycle!) behind the lady in the lane to my left, blaring music and oozing what I can only assume he thought was an air of menace.  His taste in music sucked donkey balls, so being the peace lover I am, I rolled down the windows of the old mom-mobile and assaulted his eardrums with Great White.  

Judge not.  

As the light turned green, he zoomed betwixt myself and my lane mate and made a dash for the next light …which the traffic gods saw fit to turn a lovely shade of red.

Score and burn!!

Gleeful at this turn of events, my thoughts turned pious and I prayed the traffic gods kept the light red just to jack with the jerk.  They didn’t disappoint. 

As my lane mate and I pulled up behind him, we exchanged glances that said ‘One day, this dude will imitate cream cheese on a bagel and schmear himself on the pavement’.  And onward we rolled, like bosses.

The Village Idiot is one of life’s little inevitabilities, like being rendered temporarily incontinent while laughing or sneezing (something us moms can appreciate) and that one chin hair that thwarts all attempts at being plucked making one look like a Kung Fu master with a double D rack and mom jeans.

The second highlight of my day was at Wal-Mart.  I do love me some Wallyworld, y’all but it seems I always miss out on what every other Facebook post and YouTube clip shows: The Wal-Martian.

Today my wish was granted.  As if the graciousness of the traffic gods weren’t enough.  Sigh.

Wal-Martian watchers will tell you this breed can be spotted in any aisle in the store, but today I followed it outside.  

It took me a bit to realize what set these ladies apart from the pack as I can be somewhat slow on the uptake and then, boom, there it was….two ladies still attired in pajamas and house slippers, rumps shaking like gunnysacks filled with a writhing turmoil of fighting cats.  Mesmerized, I watched as She of the Well-worn Heather gray Britches, looking like Chewbacca’s long-lost cousin, shuffled about on pants legs that looked like they’d been set upon by rabid chihuahuas.

Sweet baby Jesus, they do exist!  

Now, I myself, being a big-legged gal, can appreciate the comfort afforded by roomy britches but I leave the trailer park at home and put on some real pants when I leave the hacienda.  

Girls, your pajama pants want to stay at home!

Now I’m off to pluck that chin hair.

A Break from the Norm

It called to me.

It was the siren’s call of yet another hobby.

I have tried to resist but the pressure was too much and I caved like fallen arches on a senior citizen (or my husband, same difference).

Beading.

The hobby I swore I’d never touch.¬† The hobby my daughter loves, if only to open the boxes and bottles and jars of plastic and glass little babies and gaze upon them, pausing to lift¬†one here and there to the light for closer inspection whilst admiring their cut and clarity.¬† Too bad they aren’t diamonds as the dang things cost almost as much.

Today I bought myself a ‘starter’ kit and got to work.

Behold.

002

It’s purty and¬†Mama is happy, happy,¬†happy.

005

Can You Say…?

001

I love pumpkin and cheesecake, so when I saw these babies I thought ‘oooh, eeee mama!’

My reaction?

NASTY!

These are quite possibly the nastiest things I’ve ever eaten…and I’ve had Brussels sprouts before.¬† What a huge disappointment!

None of my U.S. readers came close to my reaction but I’m still giving something away.¬† What kind of broom-riding witch do you take me for?

I did the whole names in a bowl thing and pulled out….ASHLEY!

Please email me your address (bowenstephanie74@aol.com) and I’ll drop a little something in the mail.

Thanks to everyone for playing along and commenting!

Four More Years

Last year, I got a gentle scolding from my opthamologist about showing up a little more often than every five years to get my eyes checked.  That was also the appointment where I was gifted with a pair of bifocals for my 39th birthday.  Lovely.  So, like any dutiful patient (LOL, how many of those do YOU know?) I showed up again this year thinking that there was something seriously whacked with the glasses or my eyes or both. 

‘I can’t read or sew or crochet wearing these stupid things.¬† They spend more time atop my head than a cheap¬†toupee on a bald guy’s pate’ I whined to the technician.¬†¬†To be perfectly honest, I can’t crochet with or without the damn things.¬† And in the interest of full disclosure, I’m sitting here typing this out with my glasses, you guessed it, on top of my head.¬†¬†

Mind you,¬†the technician¬†was one of those medical professionals without a sense of humor.¬† Are they all like constipated drill sergents or is it just me?¬† So, she slapped one of those eye cover doohinkies (that is the technical term, BTW) in my hand, told me to cover my right eye and read the characters, then repeat with the left.¬† This is the point at which I admit to memorizing the characters and just repeating them for the other eye.¬† Yes, I’m aware it’s cheating but I already wear glasses.¬† You think I’m gonna walk out WITHOUT them as my punishment simply because I can cheat like any respectable middle-schooler?¬† Whatever.

Then, I get a card slapped into my mitts and told to read at ‘whatever level you hold your book at’.¬† Obee-kay-bee.¬† I read the tiniest line (take that, Brunhilde!) with no problem.¬† Didn’t we do this last year?¬† Sigh.¬† And to think, I’m PAYING for this to happen.¬† Where’s the excitement, I ask you.¬† Oh, that’s right.¬† The excitement I save for the gynecologist.

‘Maybe you need a pair of single vision lenses for every day’ she intoned.¬† Pardon me, Warden, but wasn’t that what I was wearing on my last visit?¬† What was the point in shelling out obscene amounts of money for bifocals if they’re gonna sit on my head for the majority of my day or having to shell out even more for single vision which¬†I still have¬†hiding in my bathroom drawer!?

Does this make sense to anyone?

‘Welcome to middle age, my dear!’ she crowed.

Back up the Wrinkle Wagon a minute there, babe.¬† Last I checked, the average life expectancy for a woman living in the U.S. was 86 so if my private school education was actually a sound investment for my parents’ pocketbook and paid off for me, that means ‘middle-age’ is really 43.¬†¬†

Middle age, my eye.