Our daughter, The Diva, is a typical 13-going-on-30 year old middle schooler with sass to spare, a rapier wit, hearty vocabulary, and absolutely zero filter.
I’m not entirely sure where she gets it.
I tried to mold her into something approaching a girly-girl from the cradle and gave up around year one. It’s always been all about jeans, t-shirts, and Converse sneakers. This, too, is something else for which my mother-in-law can blame me, right along with foregoing adding oatmeal to my meatloaf (wth?) and not being someone else entirely.
Lately, however, The Diva has begun to experience a shift toward girlier things. Sure, she can still clear a room like a competitive eater releasing a pent up fart after consuming an all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet. Now she’s doing it while wearing pre-ripped skinny jeans and super-cute gladiator sandals! Imagine that last part uttered in an ’80s Valley Girl voice.
I have, I shit you not, gone clothes shopping 3 out of 4 previous weekends. Shirts, swimsuits, white jeans (in April). It’s enough to drive me into the nearest corner to suck my thumb.
The small is too big, the extra small is too tight. This one looks like “something you’d wear, Mom”. This one looks ho-ish.
She’s like the Goldilocks of Old Navy.
And don’t get me started on Lush. No, I’m not referring to that friend that loses her mind and her top after a few mojitos. I’m talking about the all-natural, organic, no animal testing body care products store where you can sniff your way to an olfactory orgasm while sampling their “Sleep” body lotion. Yes, it’s that good. And you don’t have to shave your legs or put on that impractical pair of minuscule underpants of which your spouse is so fond.
And she must, MUST, have a pair of PINK sweatpants from Victoria’s Secret. I held out for two years, y’all. The damn things are $50! I offered to schlep to Wally World and buy all the pink sweatpants she wanted. Judging by the prodigious sigh and Olympic quality eye rolling, I quickly deduced they weren’t the same thing. Know what I can wear from VS? Perfume, ffs.
She’s currently busy modeling the outfit she’s wearing to His Awesomeness’ graduation later this month. And the one she’ll be wearing tomorrow when she finally gets her braces off. I’m collapsed on the bed, practically holding my eyelids open with toothpicks here.
She’s all about the thrill of the hunt. Me? I’d rather experience a colonoscopy with razor wire.