Clothes shopping: the new water boarding

Our daughter, The Diva, is a typical 13-going-on-30 year old middle schooler with sass to spare, a rapier wit, hearty vocabulary, and absolutely zero filter.

I’m not entirely sure where she gets it.

I tried to mold her into something approaching a girly-girl from the cradle and gave up around year one. It’s always been all about jeans, t-shirts, and Converse sneakers. This, too, is something else for which my mother-in-law can blame me, right along with foregoing adding oatmeal to my meatloaf (wth?) and not being someone else entirely.

Lately, however, The Diva has begun to experience a shift toward girlier things. Sure, she can still clear a room like a competitive eater releasing a pent up fart after consuming an all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet. Now she’s doing it while wearing pre-ripped skinny jeans and super-cute gladiator sandals! Imagine that last part uttered in an ’80s Valley Girl voice.

I have, I shit you not, gone clothes shopping 3 out of 4 previous weekends. Shirts, swimsuits, white jeans (in April). It’s enough to drive me into the nearest corner to suck my thumb.

The small is too big, the extra small is too tight. This one looks like “something you’d wear, Mom”. This one looks ho-ish.

She’s like the Goldilocks of Old Navy.

And don’t get me started on Lush. No, I’m not referring to that friend that loses her mind and her top after a few mojitos. I’m talking about the all-natural, organic, no animal testing body care products store where you can sniff your way to an olfactory orgasm while sampling their “Sleep” body lotion. Yes, it’s that good. And you don’t have to shave your legs or put on that impractical pair of minuscule underpants of which your spouse is so fond.

And she must, MUST, have a pair of PINK sweatpants from Victoria’s Secret. I held out for two years, y’all. The damn things are $50! I offered to schlep to Wally World and buy all the pink sweatpants she wanted. Judging by the prodigious sigh and Olympic quality eye rolling, I quickly deduced they weren’t the same thing. Know what I can wear from VS? Perfume, ffs.

She’s currently busy modeling the outfit she’s wearing to His Awesomeness’ graduation later this month. And the one she’ll be wearing tomorrow when she finally gets her braces off. I’m collapsed on the bed, practically holding my eyelids open with toothpicks here.

She’s all about the thrill of the hunt. Me? I’d rather experience a colonoscopy with razor wire.


  1. oh Stephanie, I had two boys but they were just as bad when it came to clothes shopping … I figured out early that my primary job was to drive and pay … so we would go to their “fave” store, I would find a comfortable spot to sit and they would whip through racks, try on stuff, and eventually they would come and say “this is what I need” … assuming the necessary bits were covered and the prices weren’t totally over the moon, I would just smile and say, “meet you at the cash” …

  2. ROTFLMAO!! Actually, the Rolling is taking place in a hospital bed as I just had hiatal hernia surgery.

  3. Buckle up, mom. It’s gonna get crazy for awhile! Keep that humor of yours intact and enjoy the ride.

  4. LoL…..hysterical!!! But I can also feel your pain, as the mother of 1 girl!!! Alas….she’s all grown up now and teaches high school… all goes soooooo quickly…..despite the crazy coaster ride you are currently on!!! LoL. Hang in there!!

    • It certainly does go quickly! Last week, His Awesomeness was a baby…the end of May he graduates high school. The Diva wants a job where she gets paid to yell at people all day. She’d make a great drill instructor.

  5. My youngest son went through a stage that would only wear shirts with some Rhino logo (I’ve blocked the brand from my memory). It was as expensive as hell and I had just gone through a divorce! OH and the shirts HAD TO BE primarily BLUE. I asked him why…and he replied “because it makes my blue eyes bluer”…sigh.

    • Oh, mama, I feel your pain! I’m forever being asked “does my butt look good in these jeans?” Mind you, she’s almost 5’7” and 100 lbs soaking wet. What butt?!

  6. Been there, done that. A friend gave me part of the solution: give her a clothing allowance and that’s all that is spent on clothes. No more. That cut waaay down on the $50 sweat pants and made her a discriminating sale shopper 😉

  7. My daughter just had entered this phase with her daughter and called for sympathy. After about 3 minutes of explaining how her child must be the only one that has to go to every expensive store in town before deciding what she wants which may be the first item she tried on, she stopped and apologised to me for being the same way when she was a teen. Is it time you called your mom. Luckily my dad shopped with me and we had great times exploring.

    • I was a Walmart shopper even as a kid. You can ask my Mama. Today, The Diva is attired in running shorts and a black hoodie. I refer to this look as The Unabomber. Sigh…

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