There’s no way to ease into this topic. I wasn’t even aware this was a topic until I logged on to Instagram and discovered a new follower.
I’m just shallow enough to appreciate a good following, what with the likes, the smiley face emojis, and the rah-rah comments. My 4th grader ego is quite the happy camper, thank you very much.
I’ll not divulge the name of the follower, suffice to say it was one of those ooh-wee-ohh-wee ones that make me look at the posts askance, my side-eye squinched, and clearly telegraphing my “what-the-what is this crap?!” thoughts.
And then I read it. I’ve tried to ease into it, y’all, but here it comes. And it’s just occurred to me that I sound like a B movie. Or bad porn. Not that I’d know about that. Where was I?
Someone, somewhere explain to me…
Seriously. Is this a thing? Since when is soap and water insufficient to achieve satisfactory general personal hygiene? Now I’ve gotta steam it?!
Like a rug?
A zucchini squash?
This is disturbing.
And before I go any further, when did it go from vagina, to vag, to V? Let’s leave the genital nicknames to the men, shall we?
People, there’s a reason why it’s called a “facial”. Is your vagina on your face? And how nasty is it that you have to Stanley Steemer it? Where have you been letting it roam? It isn’t an alley cat; it’s a body part, for crying out loud!
I stalked through the majority of the posts, each one waxing more orgasmic than the last, about the virtues of steaming your lady bits. Did you know there are herbal combos you can employ to enhance your vagina’s steaming experience? As if your southern sister will complain if the mood you set isn’t ‘just so’. I shit you not. I’ll never look at a dandelion or chrysanthemum or whatever the hell it was the same way ever again. Not only do I have to steam it now, but I gotta bring it flowers, too?!
This is a thing?!
I kept scrolling and when I got to the menstrual cups I cried ‘uncle’. No way in Hades am I fertilizing my garden (vegetable, not personal) with that. Yes, that was the suggestion because why would you flush it when there’s a perfectly acceptable, environmentally conscious alternative? Oh, urp 🤢
This is what happens when I procrastinate. I should’ve parked myself at the machine and sewn a seam. Or seventy. Now I have to worry about a revolt from down under because I wasn’t attentive enough to my BFF.
Until next time. I’m off to the florist’s for a bouquet.