Here for your bemusement 

Doctors.  Love ’em, loathe ’em, need ’em just the same.  Or is that lawyers?

Anyway, today I found myself sitting in one of those oh-so-comfy exam room chairs waiting for him to appear, all the while squirming like a kid waiting outside the principal’s office, my blood pressure spiking and ticking off the minutes of my life I’d never get back.  Tell me again why I had to be on time?  At least I’d not been forced to don a paper gown.  Good times.

After what felt like an hour, but was probably closer to fifty-eight minutes, there’s a knock and in he walked.  I like this guy.  He’s personable and doesn’t speak to me like he’s come down from on high to mingle with the hoi polloi.  All is forgiven for making me wait.

‘What brings me in?’

And this is where it ceases to be funny.

Well, let’s see.  I can’t focus; everything and everyone pisses me off; one breath brings fire, the other blubbering.  I almost had a meltdown watching a woman write out a check at the grocery store.  (Who the hell does that anymore, btw?). Summed up: I’d like to kick ass and scarf down chocolate bars all day.  Can I do that simultaneously?

‘Is my appetite affected?’

I smile.  The one I give to people who don’t know you don’t have to scream into a cell phone for the person on the other end to hear you.  

Seriously, doc, are you looking at me?  He smiles back.

As someone with a history of depression, I watch out for these kinds of things, let them fester, give myself the pep talk, move on.  The rinse and repeat of brain chemistry.  It will never go away. I’m also unmedicated and unsupervised.  Something seems amiss here.

Today I am here because I am done. I blame the check writer for pushing me over the edge, but in all seriousness I know that isn’t it.  It’s things I won’t go into here.  But you get the drift.

He sits there, looking slightly alarmed, nodding and hmm-ing at various intervals.  I’m never sure if this is my cue to shut up now or keep going, but I’m on a roll.

‘Am I suicidal?’

No, but if I could choose how to go I’d like to keel over chowing down on something scrumptious from The Cheesecake Factory, m’kay?

‘Homicidal?’

At that, I smirk and say ‘well…on occasion’.  He chuckles nervously and sits up a bit straighter, maybe in an effort to prepare to sprint for the exit if the occasion calls for it.

He proceeds with a mini seminar on dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin.  Brakes and gas pedals, he calls them.  I try to follow along without giving away the fact that my eyes are glazing over.  He is blaming most of this on the fibro.  Interesting.

At the end of it all (25 minutes!  Score one for the patient!  I actually got my copay’s worth.), I walked out much the same as when I walked in.  Only with a prescription and instructions to walk five times a week and keep a journal.

So tonight I walked the neighborhood.  One house sported a plethora of socks in the driveway.  I’m left to assume this is the school-age equivalent of ladies shedding a brassiere as soon as they hit the door.  At least I get inside first.  There’s the fenced in dog who makes no bones about the fact he’d like to take a chunk out of me if given half the chance.  And the fifteen cents I found after almost not stopping to stoop down.  In this neck of the woods, shiny circular metal on the ground is usually redneck money i.e. washers.  Score one for me!

Where am I going with all this?  No clue.  But if you’re feeling the same, don’t go it alone.  Your mental health is important and mental illness in this country is approached with a keep-it-quiet attitude which is shitty.

In the meantime, I’ll try to find the humor here.  I think the dachshund ate it.  I’ll find it in the yard tomorrow morning.  Maybe I’ll find more money and in six months’ time, will have enough for a pack of gum.  

It’s good to have goals.

✌🏻

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14 thoughts on “Here for your bemusement 

  1. I will,walk with you, no judgements no inane commentary…unless you want me to blabber on about nothing…which I am campion at! Take the chemicals, you deserve to feel less like the world is a bit pissy, the walks do really help….I know from experience, it’s often the last thing you want to do, but it’s the first thing you should do. If you don’t want me to walk next to you, I will wait and be a few blocks behind, you will know because you will hear that dog barking.

  2. So sorry you are feeling down. It’s good to share these things, isn’t the saying “a problem shared is a problem solved”. Or something like that. Keep hanging in there, and walking then neighbourhood – and there’s nothing wrong with checking out what others hang on their clotheslines. Especially if it gives you a laugh.
    Take care.

  3. I second the walking… last thing I want to do, best thing for me. And the meds, if they help 😀 Do what it takes to take care of you!

  4. This is to be taken seriously. I am no doctor but recently watched a documentary about sugar. Too much sugar causes mood swings. We are a society of sugar. Lactose….cheese and milk products are sugar. Most foods have a starch which turns to sugar. The tide is turning on cholesterol. They are now saying it is not from fats, it comes directly from too much processed sugar. Try eating sugar in its natural state like apples, nuts, bananas. It will help and will take about three weeks and you will feel better.

  5. You tackled an issue that no one wants to talk about & you did it with your wonderful humor. It’s amazing what the statistics show about depression & how many of us “crazy” people out there don’t feel comfortable to admit we have a chemical imbalance or lack of one. I don’t understand why it’s such a taboo topic. Take your happy drug & I admire your courage laced with laughter!!

    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Karen. I’ll know I’m screwed if the humor dries up. I started the meds today. I don’t know if the headache and yuck comes from it or the fibro. Fingers crossed it’s just a bad fibro day. ❤️

  6. As for that prescription, I say, ” Better living through chemistry “! Of course, that was some chemical company’s slogan ages ago, but so what!

  7. Been a psy nurse for 32 years and am on antidepressants also. You knew you needed help and you got it. Power to you. If the drugs help, well crap, do a jig when taking them, because it sure beats living in a depressed fog, and I think that could count for part of your walking routine. Warning to all taking them, stay on them a minimum 9 months, going off them before that, even if feeling good you have a much larger chance of backsliding. Take care.

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