A Word of Thanks…I Think

Dear Similac,

Hahahahahaha, you delightfully quirky folks!  What is there to say other than ‘thank you’ for enrolling me in your Smart Moms program and gifting me with my very own membership card?  Does it come with a coupon for at least one child-free pee for me per week?  Yeah, I thought not.  

Someone in that program has an epically awesome sense of humor, especially at a time like this.  I love people with a sense of humor.  Beats trying to make jovial with folks who believe tree branches are for carting about in their nether regions

I digress.

But seriously, last week’s mailbox offering of aforementioned card and breathless recitation of everything I have to look forward to was plenty for moi.  You see, I’ve been there, done that twice.  Well, I’ve done it more than that, but you know, two kids.  Anyway, the youngest is twelve and I’ve no intention of birthing any more mini-mes.  I have the stretch marks, sagging rack and bladder that cannot/will not make it on a round of errands without visiting at least one public toilet.  I’m good.  Really.

Cue today’s mailbox offering.  Someone, somewhere is laughing.  Hard.  I hope they pee themselves or at least blow soda out their nostrils, because really?!


Next Thursday, I’m finally getting what I’ve always wanted.  No, not Tom Selleck, dammit.

Yes, it’s a hysterectomy!  Score!  I win!  

So you see, I do not need your infant formula.  I don’t want to know about fussy eaters, gas (newsflash: I need help with the husband and the dog on this one), or colic.  I don’t want tips on finding me time, getting plenty of rest, or a cure for cracked nipples.  Seriously, I’m good.

In lieu of formula, please send any and all manner of liquor and chocolates from which I may partake while I’m laid up.  Thank you in advance for this splendiforous act of corporate generosity.

Yours truly,

The Mrs.

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14 thoughts on “A Word of Thanks…I Think

  1. You are a riot ! Love reading your blog so much.
    Best wishes on the hysterectomy next week and I send my envy your way.
    Leanne

  2. I am envious that you have a legitimate reason to lay down & nap after Thursday. I never got so lucky & my hot flashes are a “hoot.”

    1. I tried the depo-provera shot as one of the many ‘here, try this’ alternatives to surgery and thought I would die. Hot flashes, mood swings…ugh. My doctor said those were the menopausal type side effects. I feel for you hot ladies, I really do. I’m always cold. This morning I stood out on the back patio in a tshirt while the dachshund did her business. Forty degree weather! Felt divine. The other day, Himself was trying to suck the last bit of soda from his cup and I thought I’d go all Exorcist on him. It’s amazing what a lowered voice and feral growl will get you. 😉

  3. Don’t you wonder how you get onto some mailing lists? Yours is in a category with my daughter (in middle school) getting her AARP membership card.
    Good luck with your surgery.

  4. Good luck with your surgery. I had my pain in the arse uterus removed a week ago and everything went very well. I feel just about back to normal now! The first day is a rather unpleasant experience. Take whatever drugs they offer you and steal what they don’t. But after that you’ll swiftly be on the road to recovery.

    1. Oh, God, a WEEK?! It’s day 2 post surgery and I’m pretty sure I’m going to die. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Thanks for the encouragement, Evelyn, and a speedy recovery to you!

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