Ugh

According to the statistics provided by the ever-helpful WordPress gnomes, my last post was in October.  Hmm…my, where hath the time doth flown? 

I started blogging back when His Awesomeness was a wee-ish tot as an outlet for frustration and angst (and whatever else you’d like to call it) on the parenting front and it morphed into an occasional commentary on life, marriage, and quilting liberally sprinkled with my native tongue, sarcasm.  

Mostly it’s fun.  Who doesn’t like kvetching about offspring, stretchy pants that don’t stretch, and parent teacher conferences where you’d really like to pull a Rhett Butler and ‘frankly, my dear…’ but don’t want to be that mom?

I have a sense of humor:  morbid at times, definitely off color (because vulgar is my second language) and occasionally totally inappropriate for the moment.  So be it.  Or should I say ‘fuck it’?  And yes, I spelled out the entire nasty word.  No asterisks today for you in blog land.

I haven’t felt funny, upbeat or remotely human in ages.

I could point at any number of things, all of which most of us deal with at some point in our lives, so it’s not as though I’m saying I’m special.  I’m just…done.  It feels achingly familiar to the post partum depression I had the pleasure of experiencing after the arrival of the spawn minus the plan to do myself in.  And yes, at that time I gave it serious study.

All in all, things are going swimmingly for The Co-Defendants.  Hurrah!  We are passing with flying colors (grades, not gas…well, both, but gas involves glitter because my little snowflakes are special), getting along (at school, at home not so much) and one of them has even found amor.  So it isn’t them.  I haven’t had to bury a body so you know it isn’t Himself, bless his heart.

It’s me.  I admit to being a Type A personality, as near to anti-social as one can get without garnering the crazy cat lady moniker and not getting in the least that whole human contact thing.  The humor has fled.  I don’t feel funny; I feel angry.  Angry me is unpleasant.  It’s seething and simmering.  Hell, I don’t even like me.  

So if you all will bear with me while I figure it all out, I’ll come back and be kinda-sorta-mostly funny.  And if the f-bomb has run you off, well, I guess I’ll wish you well and you exit stage right.  Watch the last step though…it’s a doozy.

If there’s anything funny about it, just know I’m typing this on the toilet and trying to wrangle a phone and a needy dachshund at the same time.  There’s a visual…and maybe some humor.

Until then, I’m afraid I am one giant stagnant soup of fuck-it-all.

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18 thoughts on “Ugh

  1. Hey Stephanie! I always enjoy your posts but super sorry to hear you have misplaced your mojo! It happens I’m afraid!!! However, Girl, you are so, so funny!!! Your posts are hysterical and best of all, real!!! Wish I had some words of wisdom for ya, but just hang in there and chill a bit!!! We will be here waiting for ya!!!

  2. Been where you are now. your right it’s NO fun……When someone says go chill out,well I don’t know about you but I even get angrier!!!!! I always ran away for an afternoon…to a mall or rented a room!!! A good soak and All was right with the world again..[..Between you and me… I would love to have one of those days,again…ALL family has passed now, no Husband ]

    1. It will be okay. I’ve had my rant. Funny how spewing angst and f-bombs is kinda cathartic. I’ve also had an offer to spend a day with a quilting friend so there’s something to look forward to. Please understand I’m not complaining about having children or spouse or the expectations/responsibilities of those relationships. I love ’em to pieces. It’s me. I fall short occasionally. Well, frequently, but let’s paint me in the best light, shall we? As for being told to ‘chill out’…I get what you’re saying. Go ahead, say it to me. Just be advised there might be fallout. I don’t think I over whine, so you know if I take it to blogland, I’ve reached my threshold. Thanks for commenting, Theresa! Have a Merry Christmas 🎁🎄

  3. It is such a balancing act – Wife/Mother, and all that goes with it – it is so easy to loose sight of yourself. Glad you have a quilt-day to look forward to. It’s good to do something for yourself! If you can’t be yourself on your own blog, where can you be. Don’t be hard on yourself, you aren’t perfect, but you are you and that’s a perfect thing to be! I enjoy your blog, and look forward to your future posts.

    1. As I told my mother, I don’t say everything that comes to mind. I do have and occasionally use a filter. That said, the kids and the hubby are great. It’s me. I think between my mom’s surgeries, certain old family crapola and a potential surgery for me, I’m just a bit frazzled. It’ll be okay. It may involve a shovel and the cover of darkness, but it’ll be okay. Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. I read but don’t often put my thoughts to the comment page…..but I hear you, I really hear you. And it is cathartic to put it down in words. And the occasional “fuck it” …it’s been proven that those who swear are intelligent honest and straight thinkers…..why thank you 😊. You would be kinda weird if you didn’t suffer ups and downs in life, all we can hope are the downs are not too deep or long……just allow yourself to be who you are and hang the rest, and my dear I believe that is exactly what you are doing!!
    I cannot fix anything but I can sit by my iPad and try to let you know that I will sit on a bench next to you and nod my head wisely and listen, it may help……or not…..but I hear you.

    1. Susan, I see you commented two days ago. I don’t know what’s up with WordPress, but it only showed up today so I can only apologize and say I haven’t been ignoring you!

      I think I may have figured out my problem. I started a new med about 10 days ago and among the lovely side effects is depression, anxiety and increased anger. Fabulous.

      Thanks for thinking of me even if you don’t comment. I can see you sitting there cheering me on. 😊

  5. Surgeries are not fun at all – either for your poor Mum or upcoming one(s) for you. No wonder you are frazzled and fuming with all of that plus whatever else is in your life, to deal with. Commiserations – and may some sunshine come back into your life very soon. Best wishes from New Zealand.

  6. You might need to talk to your doctor. You may be suffering from depression, which has absolutely nothing to do with your world or your people. It can start at any time in life.

  7. Hang in there, kiddo! You have a ton of people following you on your blog that consider you a good friend who are all wishing you well. Allow those people as well as the people who are physically around you to give you strength and the ability to heal. Do what you need to do to get your mojo back. In the meantime, we in blogland will patiently wait for you and your fabulous written gems to reappear.

    1. Unfortunately, it’s a shot with effects that last three months. Never again. Once I made the connection and knew where all this was coming from, I felt a little better. Depression has been a guest off and on since my teens. This is about 1000 times worse.

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