I believe ’twas the Scottish poet, Robert Burns, who penned something along the lines of ‘The best laid plans of mice and men‘. Then again, it could just as easily have been that bard of 80s movies, Chevy Chase, who as Clark W. Griswold, Jr., uttered my all time favorite quote from “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”. No, not the “Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, Happy Hanukkah” one, but the “Eat my road grit, liver lips!” one.
That one sums up my current position in an online quilt-along I’m subjecting myself to, I mean, hahaha!, participating in. It’s a mystery quilt from the queen of Leaders and Enders, Bonnie Hunter, called Double Delight.
I’ve never met Miss Bonnie. Internet images show a perky lady, glasses perched on her nose, smiling cheekily for the camera. I follow her on Facebook and Instagram, slack-jawed that she gets so much done. She occasionally posts something about taking a break to eat or take a walk or clean up her sewing space, but I don’t see how it’s possible. She’s so prolific, she’s practically the Octomom of the quilt world.
Before y’all go gettin’ yer backs all up and think I’m making fun, pipe down! I’m jealous as all hell.
Back to the point of the post. So, I decided I’d jump in and go for it. I’ve done a quilt-along before and had quite a rousing good time. Why not?
Smart folks would’ve read the directions first. As it was, I purchased the required fabric because Maison Imperfect is not a bastion for scraps. I finish a project and the dregs, I mean scraps, get shipped outta here. Be gone, wretched beasts!
Then, I read the instructions.
“Cut 6,000 2 5/8″ squares from the neutral fabric and sub-cut into half-square triangles; cut another 9,000 2 3/8″ squares from the puce fabric; scramble madly through the medicine cabinet for that last remaining Xanax; cut 10,000 1″ squares from who knows what; then finish step one by standing on your head and whistling Dixie backwards” or something along those lines.
My head did that “Exorcist” twisty thing and my eyes rolled to the back of my head and I began to have uncharitable thoughts. At least I didn’t go for projectile hurling. I began to believe that The Co-Defendants may be on to something and I really am The Village Idiot.
But my Mama didn’t raise no quitter! I endeavored to persevere and cut and cut and cut until I thought my hands would surely fall off and my rotary blade was as dull as the last boyfriend I had before I found my Prince Charming, Himself.
He was quite the troll. The last boyfriend. Not Himself.
Anyhoo, I got it cut out through Clue #2 and then, naturally, the poop hit the fan. Doesn’t it always? I’ve spent since the week before Christmas with some kind of wretched sinus nastiness that will. Not. Let. Go.
And, poof, like a fart in a whirlwind, there went my advantage.
Our group leader, geez that makes her sound likes she’s leading a cult!, posted Clue #2 on Saturday morning. I’m still sewing on Clue #1.
I will eventually finish this quilt because there’s too much moolah and time invested and it will be a lovely quilt. And just think of all the scraps I’ll get to banish from my kingdom when the dang thing’s done!