As a kid, something in the mailbox meant a number of exciting possibilities: an invitation, a birthday, Christmas…a rubber snake. Ahem. As an adult, it means bills, credit card offers and the occasional postcard offering me a discounted rate on Playgirl. Yay, me.
In my mind, email at least means freedom from someone wanting me to pay up…after all, I gave birth to two of those. Sure, there’s the daily detritus in the form of school grade reports (grab the Xanax), little ‘just checking in’ notes from teachers (almost as bad as principal phone calls), offers for dates with hot Asian ladies and marriage to Russian brides and, my personal favorite, offers of male enhancement products. Personally speaking, I’m looking for something to shrink my badonkadonk, m’kay? I’d like to know what triggers this deluge of horse pucky. Is it me searching ‘kilted hotties’ on Pinterest? Gawd!
Lately, I’ve been getting email wanting me to confirm my Friar Lawrence Twitter account. I’m sorry….whaaaa? Then there’re the Instagram updates from some redneck I’m not acquainted with who spends quite a bit of his time waxing rhapsodic about his girl and life in general, turning my account into something of an enigma. Where’re the offers for Dr. Hardy Wood’s Root Stimulator? Poof, gone.
Anyhow, in an effort to keep an eye on His Awesomeness and his many varied social media accounts, I decided to reactivate my own account and commence snooping. I tried Instagram for five minutes several months ago and decided I’d have more fun ripping out my eyelashes, but a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do.
Eight follow requests awaited me, evenly split between pimply-faced dudes and buxom twits. ‘What form of madness is this?‘, I asked His Awesomeness. ‘You’re just awesome, Mom‘, came the immediate retort, forcing my b.s. meter to full tilt. No male on the planet’s that on his toes in the face of female skepticism, amiright?
By now you’ve reached the same conclusion I had. My own son hacked my deactivated account…linked to my personal email, may I just add. Criminy! At least he had the grace to look chagrined. It’s a wonder they make it through puberty.
Himself offered to patrol His Awesomeness ‘s account, a sacrifice he assured me he was willing to make. I took him up on the offer. At least now there’s time to place that Canadian Viagra order.