Where There’s Smoke

Childhood fun involved teepeeing someone’s house (that’s wrapping it in toilet paper and then praying for rain).  Adult fun (the kind that doesn’t keep you outta heaven) involves acupuncture.  Yes, it’s an exciting life I lead.  But before I get to the pinning du jour, let’s take a little side trip, shall we.

Now, I firmly believe that if we women can expect our waistlines to expand to Titanic proportions, have boobs big enough to feed Africa and stretch marks that closely resemble all roads leading to California, it’s only fair that the menfolk should suffer the monthly indignities of bleeding and cramps.  I’ll have to ask God about that little design flaw when I get upstairs.

Anyhoo…today’s acupuncture appointment was all about cramps and bleeding and bloating.  Admit it, you’re riveted..and you totally envy me.

Well, Miss J had a fix for that, too.  Who knew?  I thought it was all about needles.  Not so, grasshopper!  Today I was introduced to mugwort (not to be confused with Hogwarts) and FIRE!!  So, I got tiny dabs of mugwort applied to my big toes (think of those giant-assed termite mounds Steve-o would gush about on his wild Australian nature show only on a much smaller scale) which Miss J then lit and snuffed out just before they reached my toesies.  I lay there and watched smoke emanating from way down south.  I swear you can’t make this crap up.  I’m not sure what this was supposed to do for my girl parts, but it was good fun and a heckuva lot more exciting than say, fighting the urge to yak or watching bumpers rust.  Then Miss J broke out her needle collection…and headed for my ears.  Now, I like to think I’m a fairly unique individual, but I can assure you with 100% accuracy, that my girl parts are not in my ears.  I may on occasion have my head up my behind, but everything else stays where it’s supposed to.  I’d like to say now that needles in the ears hurt.  You there!  Stop rolling your eyes.

I got a few more needles down my legs, but it seemed the excitement was over and there was no more smoke.  Too bad.  For a minute there I thought I was at a luau and I was the suckling pig.  Where were the native men in their grass skirts twirling flaming torches?

I got sent home with four whats-its…one in each ear and one on the inside of each ankle.  I’m fairly certain that ‘whats-its’ is the technical term.  If memory serves (and it usually doesn’t) these are to keep pressure on key points until they, or the body parts they’re attached to, fall off.  Yay me.  Behold…

No, that's not a pimple.
No, that’s not a pimple.

 

003

 

And here’s me, feeling better…

004

Maybe next time, there’ll be smoke AND half-naked men.

 

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8 comments

  1. I think you’ve lost some weight! Yes, really. And, very brave.
    And, you know I can never remember to come back to see your replies!

  2. What interesting experiences you have been having with this. Some of the stuff they come up with totally amazes me. There are so many people out there unwilling to try out options other than just pills, glad to see you are willing to explore other methods to help ease your symptoms. Have you ever asked Miss J if there are any beneficial points in the fingers where a person may accidentally poke themselves with a sewing needle a time or two? 😉

    • I’ve decided I am not up for being a pharmaceutical industry guinea pig. Going every week isn’t cheap BUT at least there aren’t side effects. As for the finger thing, does getting the needles between my knuckles count?

  3. I will confess I gave serious consideration to having the cartilage in my ear pierced when I was told it might help with migraines. It has been suggested I smoke pot. I have had botox (and it worked!) but so far, no one has suggested burnt offerings at my toes. If it would work I would try it. What I want to know is do those dots help you tune in short wave radios?

    Glad you are feeling better!

    • The whole needles in the ears thing wasn’t that great although the pain passed quickly and the botox thing scares me. I’ve never smoked pot, although I inhaled plenty of second hand smoke at a Metallica concert once so that doesn’t count. The smoking toes thing was funny but could stand to be enhanced with sweaty, half-naked men. But that’s just me. And the aliens told me not to tell you anything about their communication transmissions.

      • I really am going to try Botox again if my Neuro agrees. Something has got to give. If the acupuncture was available locally I would try that.

      • I have migraines, but they only come once a month with that other baggage of which I am so fond. I know nothing about your area, but if you have to drive to an area large enough to have a Neuro, wouldn’t they also have an acupuncturist?

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