Childhood fun involved teepeeing someone’s house (that’s wrapping it in toilet paper and then praying for rain). Adult fun (the kind that doesn’t keep you outta heaven) involves acupuncture. Yes, it’s an exciting life I lead. But before I get to the pinning du jour, let’s take a little side trip, shall we.
Now, I firmly believe that if we women can expect our waistlines to expand to Titanic proportions, have boobs big enough to feed Africa and stretch marks that closely resemble all roads leading to California, it’s only fair that the menfolk should suffer the monthly indignities of bleeding and cramps. I’ll have to ask God about that little design flaw when I get upstairs.
Anyhoo…today’s acupuncture appointment was all about cramps and bleeding and bloating. Admit it, you’re riveted..and you totally envy me.
Well, Miss J had a fix for that, too. Who knew? I thought it was all about needles. Not so, grasshopper! Today I was introduced to mugwort (not to be confused with Hogwarts) and FIRE!! So, I got tiny dabs of mugwort applied to my big toes (think of those giant-assed termite mounds Steve-o would gush about on his wild Australian nature show only on a much smaller scale) which Miss J then lit and snuffed out just before they reached my toesies. I lay there and watched smoke emanating from way down south. I swear you can’t make this crap up. I’m not sure what this was supposed to do for my girl parts, but it was good fun and a heckuva lot more exciting than say, fighting the urge to yak or watching bumpers rust. Then Miss J broke out her needle collection…and headed for my ears. Now, I like to think I’m a fairly unique individual, but I can assure you with 100% accuracy, that my girl parts are not in my ears. I may on occasion have my head up my behind, but everything else stays where it’s supposed to. I’d like to say now that needles in the ears hurt. You there! Stop rolling your eyes.
I got a few more needles down my legs, but it seemed the excitement was over and there was no more smoke. Too bad. For a minute there I thought I was at a luau and I was the suckling pig. Where were the native men in their grass skirts twirling flaming torches?
I got sent home with four whats-its…one in each ear and one on the inside of each ankle. I’m fairly certain that ‘whats-its’ is the technical term. If memory serves (and it usually doesn’t) these are to keep pressure on key points until they, or the body parts they’re attached to, fall off. Yay me. Behold…
And here’s me, feeling better…
Maybe next time, there’ll be smoke AND half-naked men.