The Unhappy Hooker and Her Balls

The Diva and I went with my Mama to her weekly crafting group get together, a lovely bunch of elderly ladies, at a local church. I like elderly ladies.  From their fluttery hand gestures, to their perfectly salon-styled (occasionally blue tinted and always shellacked into place so hurricane force winds couldn’t move it) hair, to their powdery smell, to their red, red, red lipstick which no one under the age of eighty can get away with without being mistaken for a streetwalker.  When I reach their age, you can bet dollars to donuts I’m gonna find me the reddest shade of harlot lipstick on the planet and wear it with pride.  Not to mention the stories you get about when their kids were growing up and so-and-so’s lumbago and the fact they think The Diva is just the sweetest thing this side of ever.  It was a nice change of pace from where I work, where the new kids on the block think of me, at thirty-nine, as old.

I took along my crochet and hoped like hell no one would ask me what I’d brought to work on and I’d be left to covertly make hundreds of stitches while trying to hide my latest creation in what’s left of my lap. Not…a…chance…in…Hades.

My mother’d already spilled the beans to one of the group, a sweet lady who’s also in our quilting bee, that I, the genius, taught myself crochet. With M looking over my shoulder, I had to pony up and bring the binkie into the daylight…along with the bad habits I’d apparently incorporated into it. Yay me! I got high marks for the evenness of my stitches (happy dance) but lost ’em altogether because I was dropping stitches like I drop hints around Christmastime. I never noticed it while it sat in my lap with me stitching away, but when laid out for an expert to look at, the friggin’ thing went all whompy-jawed (yes, that’s an actual term…probably Celtic or Basque or something) and I wound up with something like this…

Yippee, a quadrilateral!
Yippee, a quadrilateral!

It looks even worse up close…like me, when I’ve just rolled out of bed.  Fudgesicle, fudgesicle, fudgesicle!

Is it too late to say I was going for a 'pyramid'?
Is it too late to say I was going for a ‘pyramid’?

I started to rip it all out, got a little pissy, gave a mental screw it (actually, that’s not what I said at all but I’m trying for the PG version here)  and started all over again.  To hell with the price of yarn.  According to The Co-Defendants I am made of money!!

With M standing by, watching like a hawk, I managed, after about an hour, to achieve this…

004

I got offers for private lessons.  So much for the awesome teaching capabilities of YouTube.  I blame The Co-Defendants for the slippery slide of intelligence exiting my cranium through my ear canals.  I used to be smart and, according to Himself, fun to be around.  On the bright side, I’d make a great drill sergeant.  Or so I’m told.

Anyway, I got home, couldn’t bear to toss out what I’d already made even though it was pure unadulterated crap, and proceeded to unravel the rest of the mess and wound up with this…

005

 

Which became this…

006

They say crocheting takes balls.  Thank goodness they’re not attached to  me or else I’d fear some awful venereal disease for which I’d still be trying to remember the encounter by which I’d acquired it.  Terrible to go through life so lopsided.

On that note, my balls and I are going now to, with luck and a whole bucketful of divine intervention, depart for the living room where we hope to achieve something resembling adequate when it’s all said and done.

Wish me us luck.

 

 

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. The uneven thing was my problem. I added or dropped stitches like crazy and I could not figure out how to do it right. I can’t seem to figure out when the end of a row is and would lose count. So there. That’s my story. ( I do so much better knitting). My hat’s off to you for keeping on!

  2. When my first project started going in the directions your’s was–we turned it into a triangle! Yes, I had the problem of counting (heaven forbid I concentrate on one thing at a time or have the attention span to keep on task!) and would think i was at the end of the row….oopsie daisy! You have done some great projects already though–love your Mardis Gras colored scarf!! Keep it up!

  3. Hi Stephenie, You really did do great, I say ‘did’ because I haven’t seen it since…haha…I love your story…………hope to see you soon…. M by the way I love to see my name there, ‘M’ that’s what my niece calls me….laughin….

    • You haven’t seen it since because every time I’ve started up again, I do the same thing…AGAIN! I finally decided the skein was possessed and got out another. We’ll see if that one works!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s