Someone please enlighten me, philistine that I am, and explain the appeal of the Twilight saga.
Himself, whom I consider to be a towering pillar of levelheadedness in an otherwise batshit-crazy universe, loves the Twilight movies. Not in a teenage-girl sense (that’d just be creepy) but as a connoisseur (his word) of vampire flicks. Of course, this is the same man who enjoys watching Duel with Dennis Hopper. Never heard of it? Don’t worry…you haven’t missed anything.
Explain to me the sex appeal of Robert Pattinson, bearing in mind you’re speaking to a woman who thinks Brad Pitt and George Clooney are unattractive. Call me weird, go ahead. Sure, Pattinson’s got the accent, but otherwise he needs a comb and a shave. I wanna hold him down and give him a good spray tan…day glo orange side effects be damned! What am I missing here? And what’s this crap about him being ‘sparkly’? The only man who comes to mind at the word ‘sparkly’ is Liberace.
Then there’s Kristen Stewart. I swear the chick’s made of plastic (like Barbie without the boobs) because her expression never changes through the whole thing. If I ever run into her (and pray that I don’t) I’m gonna offer her a stool softener and bottle of water. Who wouldn’t sport a crabby expression being all stove up (my grandmother’s expression) like that?
And last, there’s the toothsome Taylor Lautner. It’s hard to find sex appeal there without crossing over into pervert territory considering my daughter’s current favorite movie stars an elementary-age Taylor. Does The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl ring bells for anyone? Probably not. Just be grateful you’ve missed it. I, however, have seen it so many times I can recite the lines in my sleep.
Maybe in another twenty years or so it’ll all make sense. After all, as a teenager I never understood my mother’s swooning over Tom Selleck in his Magnum P.I. shorts. Seeing him in Robert B. Parker’s ‘Jesse Stone’ movies, I now totally get it. YOU WERE RIGHT MA!
Twenty years? Yeah, maybe then it’ll make sense ’cause right now it just makes me gag.