When the Shitake Hits the Fan It’s Mom’s Day Off

The dictionary defines the word oxymoron as a combination of contradictory words.  Parenting-related examples include, but are not limited to, compliant child, family vacation and Mom’s day off.

If ever the shitake hits the fan and, be honest, with children it surely will, it will happen the evening prior to or the day of Mom’s day off.  Diarrhea?  Fever?  Projectile vomiting?  Avian flu?  That depends, is tomorrow Mom’s day off?  No?  Then never mind.  Yes?  Then yes to all four conditions and maybe just a touch of Ebola for good measure.  It.  Never.  Fails.

Yesterday was my day off.  I had plans.  The fact that my plans involved doing as little as possible is irrelevant- I had plans!  With that in mind, I’d stayed up ’til the ass-crack of dawn Friday only to be summoned to Paige’s room within thirty minutes of my head hitting the pillow because she didn’t feel good.  Mind you, I don’t feel good is my kids’ code for ‘Daycare is a snore/I didn’t finish that homework assignment I’ve known about for six weeks and I’m toast.’  It all depends on the time of year and is a statement with which I typically take a grain of salt. 

So, I bedded down on the floor (she sleeps in a twin bed and though I have lost 15 pounds, I refuse to sleep with any part of me hanging over the edge of the bed.  Yes, I still believe the Boogyman lurks under there-sue me!).  By 0430, she was up, her face a lovely shade of fuschia, left eye swollen shut, right eye and nose ballooning nicely and mouth resembling Goldie Hawn post-Botox.  Shee-it!!

By 0515, we were in the ER (at my workplace..on my day off..YIPPEE!) getting mega-doses of industrial strength Benadryl and steroids thanks to her brush with poison ivy.  I spent the remainder of the day plugging her with fluids, Trix cereal and drugs while laundering everything she touched and barking commands to stopstopstop scratching and daubing her lovely bumpy rash with calamine lotion.  Which reminds me: calamine lotion SUCKS!  Someone, somewhere is making a nice chunk of change hawking that crap-shame on you!  And lest you think all that Benadryl kept her in Lalaland and I’m just making up all that other crapola, the ER nurse (I hope her day was filled with green globs of snot, oozing pustules and syphilitic lesions) gleefully informed me that the steroids would make her hyper thereby cancelling out any sedative side benefits of the Benadryl.  Awesome!  I had to remind myself that homicide is illegal even if it meant silencing her chirpy get-well-soon sendoff as we departed for home.

Mom’s day off , indeed!

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