Contrary to what my children believe and may even tell you given the right incentive, I am not a stupid woman. Or, at least, I didn’t used to think so, but now I’m not too sure.
I generally refrain from asking Dear Hubby any question regarding my appearance because, to be honest, his gaze rarely makes it past my boobs and if the issue in question isn’t swinging from my bodacious rack, he couldn’t give a fig. Last evening, I lost what was left of my freakin’ mind after my well-documented ‘Bathroom Breakdown’ and asked what I can only call one of my all-time stupidest questions ever.
Me to Dear Hubby: ‘I don’t get it. Why the hell does everyone think Kim Kardashian is so hot because of her ginormous ass? So’s mine, so does this make me hot?’ (I can see you cringing. Wait for it..it gets worse.)
Hubby to Me: ‘Well, her butt goes like this…’ (At this point, he holds his hands in front of him as if cupping the butt in question and moves them back toward himself demonstrating that her butt pooches straight out.) ‘As opposed to this…’ he continues (At this point, he again holds his hands in front of him and moves them apart as if demonstrating the polarizing properties of magnets.)
As Professor I. Just Fubard continued with his Booty Lecture, he began to slump further into the recliner like a jellyfish washed in with the tide and by the end of it all, he was sporting an expression that fairly shouted Oh, shit, I hope she doesn’t go all Lorena Bobbitt on me! You remember Ms. Bobbitt, don’t you? I forget what her Dear Hubby’s transgression was, but she whacked off Mini Hubby and flung it from her car window. I wonder if she’d like a pen-pal.